Extract from: The Seagulls have Landed
Babies!
You would think that Eddie Malone, hero, warrior, gang leader intent on world domination but still not quite in charge of his own apartment, would have had enough of babies. And you would be quite right. After all, he had once rescued twelve of them from a murderous gang. That was more than enough to do with babies to last him a life time. Several life times, in fact. He couldn`t stand them, which made it all the more annoying for him that his mother was on the verge of giving birth to one. She wasn`t actually due for another five weeks, but if the preceding eight months were anything to go by, well, then Eddie`s life, already made a misery by the constant demands of his nagging mother, was about to get an awful lot worse.
It was - get this, get that, get this, get that. Oh Eddie, I`m too tired, get this, get that. Oh Eddie, would you be a love and get this, get that. Oh Eddie just this once, get this, get that. Oh Eddie, run into my bedroom, get this, get that. Oh Eddie, I forgot this, I forgot that, would you be a darling and get me this or get me that.. Really, one should never contemplate taping your mother`s mouth shut, but Eddie came quite close to it on several occasions.
Take, for example, the night when his mother was lying on the couch watching Coronation Street and Eddie was trying to finish a complicated English homework for his class at Brown`s Academy the next day. She couldn`t get comfortable, which wasn`t surprising really.
`Oh Eddie,` she moaned, `I`m the size of a house.`
`Yes you are.`
When he next looked up from his homework, he saw that she was crying. `What`s wrong?` he asked innocently.
`You said I was the size of a house,` his mother wailed.
`No, you said you were the size of a house. I merely agreed.`
`Well you didn`t have to agree!` she exploded. `You could have said I was quite neat. Or that I looked beautiful or that I was….blooming.`
Eddie rolled his eyes and said, `You are blooming. You are blooming well the size of a house.`
And that set her off roaring again.
There was no pleasing some people.
Take food, for example. Eddie wasn`t exactly a chef, but with his mother almost too large to squeeze through the door into the kitchen - and even when she did manage it she claimed that the cooking smells made her feel sick - it fell to him to prepare their breakfast and evening meal. But not for Mrs Malone anything straightforward - oh no, that would be too easy. Eddie could rustle up a boiled egg or two. He could make oven chips. Toast was a particular speciality. Bacon even. But oh no. His mother would take a long look at their well stocked fridge or freezer and decide that she wanted precisely what wasn`t there.
`I want…… fresh pineapple,` she would say, it being ten o`clock on a Sunday night in Belfast ,when fresh pineapple probably wasn`t even available at that late hour in Hawaii, or wherever it was pineapples came from. And then she would add as if it was perfectly normal, `and I want French mustard with it.`
`You are barking mad,` Eddie would say.
`I`m not mad Eddie, that`s not nice, I`m just hungry.`
`Then have a chip, have a Jaffa Cake.`
`But I want fresh pineapple and French mustard!`
And so nothing would do her but she had to have pineapple and mustard, so Eddie would be forced to go out and try to track them down, which usually meant venturing into dangerous parts of the city where his reputation as a fearless warrior wasn`t quite as……well, even he had to admit, he didn`t quite have that reputation yet, despite vanquishing the Babysnatchers and playing a major part in the rescue of the head of Oliver Plunkett.
The city was ruled by the gangs - the Reservoir Pups being the largest and most powerful and most dangerous and most likely to string Eddie up. There were also the Strand Road Agitators, the Ramsey Street Wheelers, the Church Hill Regulars and literally dozens of others. Eddie`s own gang was so informal that it lacked even a name, and, indeed, much in the way of members. There was Mo, of course, his Albino friend who packed a mean punch, for a girl. There was Gary Gilmore who had been known to put together some interesting inventions, which invariably blew up, usually by accident. There was Sean, and Pat, who both lived over a hundred miles away, which was no use to anyone. And…. that was about it. The Gang of Two, Sometimes Three. So when it came to tracking down obscure and bizarre foods for his insane mother, it usually fell to just Eddie by himself to brave the cold, dark streets of his adopted city. He had been chased, he had been attacked, he had been forced to jump rivers, dive out in front of speeding cars and hide himself in stinking dumptsters just to avoid being caught by his enemies. All in the name of - well, pineapple and French mustard.
But he hadn`t failed her yet. She was his mother, and he loved her. But sometimes he loved her less than at other times.
For example when he arrived home after three hours of very dangerous adventures with the pineapple and the mustard, she had hardly looked up from the TV. She just said, `I`ve changed my mind. I had some toast when you were out.`
At times like that, he really didn`t love her at all.
Bernard Scuttles, father of the upcoming child, and the man who made Eddie`s life a misery even more than his mother, tried to explain her behaviour.
`Eddie,` he said, `when women are pregnant they sometimes behave irrationally. They develop strange tastes in food. It`s to do with their hormones and the chemicals in their body. They also get very sensitive about their body weight. You shouldn`t make fun of her for being…..heavy.`
`Well can I make fun of you then, because you`ve no excuse for being a fat pig?`
`Eddie.`
`Unless you`re pregnant. Are you pregnant? Or did you swallow a rhino.`
`Eddie…..`
`Or a whole herd of them.`
`One more word……`
`What like, fat slob, oops, that`s two…..`
`I`m warning you…..`
`And did the rhino have a piano for breakfast?`
`Right that`s……`
And Scuttles struggled out of his chair and came after him, but he wasn`t about to catch Eddie, gang leader and action hero. Eddie was off and running.
Eddie`s father had also run off. Off to England with the local doctor in the small village where Eddie had spent a very happy childhood. He hadn`t heard from him since, which just destroyed Eddie every time he thought about it. He thought his dad had loved him and that they`d been great friends as well. But now it seemed that he had never loved him, otherwise why hadn`t he been in touch? Eddie thought for a while that there must be something more to it: that his dad had been kidnapped by aliens, or gone off on a secret mission to Brazil, or somewhere. However, Eddie somehow doubted that aliens would have chosen to kidnap his dad, who had worked as an engineer in the Belfast ship yard. Much more likely that they`d go for the American president or whoever had won Pop Idol. And when was the last time a ship yard worker had even been sent on a secret mission? Eddie had to accept that his dad was gone for good. It was nearly a year now. Certainly his mum had accepted it. She was basically living with Scuttles now.
One day, when he`d had another row with Scuttles, his mum had taken him to one side while Scuttles went outside for a smoke.
`Eddie,` she`d said, `we have a new life now.`
`I know that.`
`And I like my new life.`
`I know that too.`
`And it`s been very difficult for you and you`ve gotten into quite a lot of trouble.`
`I`ve rescued…….`
`Eddie - you`ve been in trouble.`
Eddie sighed. `Yes, I know.`
`But I love you more than ever.`
`I love you too.`
`But you have to accept that your father isn`t coming back, and that we have Bernard now.`
`You have Bernard now.`
`No, son, like it or not, we have him. I love him, and you will grow to love him.`
`I think not.`
`Well, then, you`re just making it difficult for yourself. He`s really a lovely man, I just don`t understand why you have to give him such a hard time.`
`I give him a hard time? I think not. I think the other way round.`
His mum put her hands on her hips, and sighed. `Two men in the house,` she said, ` I always knew it wouldn`t be easy.` She reached out and ruffled his hair. `I want you to try to get on with him, Eddie. For me. ` She patted her stomach. `This little one is coming into the world soon, and I want him to come into a happy family. And that means that we love and respect each other. Will you try for me?`
Eddie looked at her pink cheeks and her moist eyes, and couldn`t help but say, `I`ll do my best.`
She kissed the top of his head and smiled down at him. `That`s my boy. Now, I want you to go out there and be nice to him. It`s difficult for him as well, you know.`
Eddie took a deep breath, then nodded, and turned for the door.
`Eddie,` his mum said, and he stopped and looked back at her. `I am very proud of you, you know.`
`I know mum.`
Eddie opened the door.
Scuttles was leaning on the wall outside their front door. The apartment was on the eighteenth floor of the nurses quarters, which sat beside the dark edifice of the Royal Victoria Hospital where his mum worked and where Scuttles was Head of Security.
Eddie leant on the wall beside him and looked out over the blinking lights of the city. It looked quite beautiful, and not at all like the dangerous place Eddie knew it to be. One day, of course, he would rule it all. Although that day seemed a million years away.
`So, she gave you the talk, then,` said Scuttles. He kept his eyes on the city.
Eddie glanced at him. `The…….?`
`All about how we have to get on, for the sake of the baby, that I`m not as bad as you think.`
`Yeah, she gave me the talk.`
Scuttles nodded. `I had the same. So,` he said, `what do you think?`
`What do I think about what?`
`About us having some sort of truce.`
Eddie shrugged. `What do you think?`
`I don`t know. What do you think?`
`I`m not sure. What do you think?`
Scuttles shrugged.
They stood for another minute. Eddie could see the steam coming off his breath, and off Scuttles` as well. They watched below as an ambulance, its siren screeching, it`s lights flashing, roared into the hospital complex.
`I suppose,` Eddie said, `we could…..well, we could……`
`Try,` said Scuttles.
Eddie nodded. Scuttles turned then and put his hand out to him.
`We should shake on it, then.`
Eddie, somewhat reluctantly reached out his own hand. Scuttles clasped it.
`So….ah, what exactly are we shaking on?` Eddie asked.
`We agree we`ll try and get along, and we`ll stop annoying your mother by fighting all the time.`
`Okay,` said Eddie.
`Just one thing, though,` Scuttles said, and suddenly his grip became a lot firmer, `I want you to know…..` and his face came closer and his eyes were suddenly sharp and powerful and menacing, `I want you to know that as far as I`m concerned…..` and now he was really squeezing hard, crunching the bones in Eddie`s hand together, `that you`re still a little gutter rat and troublemaker and you make your mother`s life miserable and as soon as we`ve had our baby and your mother goes back to work, I`m going to make sure you suffer, I`m going to make sure your life is every bit as…..`
But he stopped then, because Eddie was suddenly squeezing back and with a strength he really didn`t know he had….
`And I want you to know,` Eddie spat back, `that you`re the biggest fattest stench barrel I`ve ever met and that as soon as this baby is born I`m going to do everything in my power to make sure my mother dumps you and you go back into the cesspit you crawled out of…..`
Behind them the door to the apartment opened suddenly and Eddie`s mum looked out.
There was sweat rolling down Eddie`s brow – and down Scuttles` as well. Both of them grimaced with the pain of pulverising each other`s hands.
But his mother couldn`t see that. All she saw was her two boys shaking hands.
`I`m so happy you`ve sorted it out,` she beamed.
Eddie and Scuttles glared at each other, and then released their hands.
Eddie stuck his immediately into his pocket, and massaged it against his leg. Scuttles put his behind his back, flexing it again and again, trying to get some life back into it.
`Come on in, boys - I`ve made spaghetti and ice cream sandwiches.`
Eddie rolled his eyes as she turned back into the apartment.
`Lovely,` said Scuttles and went after her, although not before giving Eddie another of his scathing looks.
Eddie remained outside for another minute, looking out over the city. They had shaken hands on a peace agreement, but it was really just another declaration of war. Scuttles was the enemy, and he would be defeated, however long it took. Eddie was a gang leader. He was a hero. He would overcome Scuttles in the same way that he had overcome the Babysnatchers and returned the head of Oliver Plunkett.
He was Eddie Malone, man of action.
`Eddie! Get your jim-jams on, it`s time for bed!` his mum shouted from inside.
Eddie sighed. He knew he was a superhero - it was just the other people in his life who needed convincing.
Copyright © 2004 Colin Bateman
